In one

I know how it feels.
the confused, I-dont-know-what-this-is,
dont-know-what-to-do,
but I dont want to lose whatever this is, feeling.
cause I'm in one.

whatever This is

It's different.
He's different.
He's not like the others his age.
You'd be surprised at his words and the way he thinks.
Totally not his age.
Thoughtful, more mature.
He's hidden.
You wont know his true colour unless you're alone with him.
You wouldn't see the spoilt boy.
You wouldn't even know there's another side to this guy.
It's confusing.
He's confusing.
He may made this bold sweet move.
But then he'll act like no, nothing happened.
He'll make you feel like he's really into you.
But then he suddenly spaced out and forgets you're beside him.
He can be really cute and sweet.
But immediately spoils the mood by sending rude remarks -_-'
He has the sweetest smile you cant stay mad at him.
He has this annoyingly adorable attitude that whenever he's doing wrong or didnt quickly pick up the point, it just doesn't matter
He's actually really shy but he's a really great company.
He can easily adapt to a new environment or people around him.
At least thats what I observed.
But the most important is that
We just recently known each other
But its like compared to everyone that had known me all my life,  he's the only soul that is able to understand what I go through. What I'm going through.
No, maybe not understand,  but atleast he tries.
He knows that I dont need any advice or motivational words.
He knows that he just needs to stay there, and just listens.
He knows that all I need is someone to turn to with no judgements in what i did even if its wrong.
He made me feel like a little girl.
He made me feel like I can be one despite all the shit I'm in.
He made me feel that its okay to be spoilt sometimes.
He made me want to throw my cold strong front and just cry my eyes out. Just because I can and that its okay to do that.
He made me think better. Made me feel better.
He has this totally different interest than mine.
But then, it feels like that dont matter. Cause we clicked.
But then again, I dont really know how he feels bout whatever this is.
We're both broken.
We've both been through similar shits when it comes to the L word.
We're both unsure of ourselves.
No, we may not like the same thing and whtever, but there's still that tiny similarities.
No, dont ask me.i dont know what it is. You just feel it.
A good friend told me to not put my happiness on someone.
Im not.i hope im not.
Cause I dont know what this is.
And I'm not sure if I'm ready to find out.
All I know is that I really appreciate his presence in my life now.
All I know is that I dont want to lose whatever this is.

the other blog

i used to update my other blog.
not this one.
but then my girlfriend made me realize some things
and yes i guess its high time i store that blog and all its content up on an abandon attic with all the spider webs and such -.-
im not making any sense
i know =..=
im just randomly typing what comes to mind.
oh yes,back to the initial subject.
the other blog.
i need to stop.
i have to
i must
its history.
and i just realized that i am sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo over it
finally -.-
i realized that its stupid to still put up with someone who can never change.
worst.who never even want to change.
so yeah,.
i guess i'll just continue my nonsense scribblings here than ^-^
:*

just another boring story

here's a story.
just a boring same old story that im certain most girls went through at a certain point in her life.
lol.
but try to get to atleast the middle part of the story ya?

theres this girl.
true.
she's someone who fall fast in lo...ike.
she's someone who can have a crush on someone with just a glance. someone who she dont even know or the person doesn't even know that she existed.
despite all those nonsense things, she's a very loyal person.
good quality aight?
nope.
its a curse.
especially now that she have no one to be loyal to.
yeah sure,..there's a couple of guys i guess,..
but she just cant commit to them.
why?
cause she have had it bad. very bad.
so bad that all she want to do now is to get to know new people and dont care bout those who do care bout her.
why?
cause she doesn't believe in relationships anymore
why?
cause she had been loyal for more than 4 years and it got her nowhere.
now?
she've let go of a wonderful person cause he deserves better. much better than this broken soul.
so there she goes
living her single life after 5 years+ having someone to share her days with..to complain bout all the bullshit she went through,..
someone she can be spoilt with,.. cause if anyone who really knew her would know
she's not that kind of girl who leeches around guys seeking attention
she's not some girl who gets everything she wants
she's the girl who works her ass off if she wants something
she's a girl who'd been abandoned physically and emotionally since young
she's a hard-headed rough type of girl that would get things her way when she wants it that way
she's the girl who cant be easily fooled by some sweet compliments cause she's been hurt and put down so much in her entire life
she's that stone hearted girl that gives out her poker face whenever it comes to emotion related things especially with family and someone she really cared about
but those who really knew that complicated girl would know
she's just like the others
she's clingy
she needs attention
she longed to be loved
she wishes she didnt have to be so independent
she needed a shoulder to lean on
she longed to be spoilt by someone she loves and loved her back
that she's really an emotional-wreck but never shows that pathetic side of her
why?
cause she had been through so much pain and hurt and disappointments that she couldnt help herself but to be how she is
she acts like she knows it all
but really she dont
she acts tough
but she's really soft-hearted
she easily like someone and have immediate crushes =__=
but no, she can never show how she really feel
especially when she fell for the wrong guys
which is all the time -.-

here comes the fml story..

theres this guy with a great smile
no,she doesnt really took notice of him at first
but as they get to know each other
slowly she knew she was damned
this was going to be one of those short-lived quick crush.
she kept it to herself and act as she would normally.
but! there's this bad habit of hers
easily offended.but ONLY by those she really cared
which was really a turn off to guys x__x
especially to this particular guy
cause it doesnt makes sense cause she's just a friend to him
and he was taken and they were just chat buddies.
so when she suddenly snapped at the guy
(when he clearly was just making fun of her as usual)
he was pissed(cause he was tired) and left her
pffff. imagine how guilty she felt. lol
she was left with an emtpy hole
her 24/7 buddy was no more
do you ever feel that feeling when you were so used to something and that something suddenly disappeared?
yeah.that feeling.
so...lost.
so yeah, now she doesn't know what to do
she dont know what the right thing to do
i mean, would it even be necessary if she tried?
she's nothing.
she's no one important to the guy. right?
i mean even if she is,she wouldnt know it. he never did show any real signs
'real' that would have had her convinced that he's sincere or whatever.
no that cant be.
he got his friends and yeah,not forgetting his GIRLFRIEND.
pfff,..why would he care bout some silly girl old person.
ayte??

so yeah,she made a decision that she needed something to take her mind off of the guy.
that made her turn to her old world.
hardcore/metal,undergound music.
why? she didnt even think of this first,but then she remembered the guy was into these kind of music.
duuh =_= he's even a vocalist of this kind of band.
anyways,back to the point,the thing was that once upon a time,her one and only love introduced her to these songs and music.
and she quickly got used to them.quickly come to like them and was even comfortable with these music(at some point of her life.)
but she stopped listening to them when he walked out of her life without a single word.(another long boring story)
so she ended up listening to this deafening music once more.
repeating them 24 hours a day even sleeping whilst listening to them.
just to keep her from feeling empty and lost
and to keep her from missing those cute little fights,
the long nights with nonsense conversations,
the morning and night text (chats),
and the guy with the sweet smile who would easily made her mad and laugh at the same time with his arrogant-but-cute attitude.haaish  =oo=

gaah, this is all stupid people may say.
and yes, they are right
she's just lonely since she doesnt have anyone to spend her time with anymore.
thats it right? yes, that might be it.
but ,..
nevermind.it doesnt matter anyways.
she shouldnt bother and interrupt other people's life.
so yes, i'll try to tell her to stop this nonsense
and try to convince her that this is just one of her,..
quick crushes.
i mean, she'll get over it,.
she's a tough strong girl
she cant be blown just because of a guy.
i know deep down she's shaken up and a wreck
but she'll get over it
like she always does.

thats the end of it.
the purpose of this story you ask?
nothing.
just nonsense,time wasting blogging while listening to repeated list of underground not-so-hardcore songs,..
oh and to tell the guy that she was sorry.
daa~