Yet another dream. Yet the same feeling.

and yet another dream of you
is it because I missed you so much?
still,in that dream,
you were also uneasy with this,
this so called coldness.
how I wish that it were true.
how I wish I could stay just a bit longer in the dream.
how I wish you are feeling the same thing in reality.
how I wish this was a torture for you too.
how I wish you missed us too.
I miss my friend
I miss my fight buddy
I miss the occasional flirt
I miss the jokes
I miss those rude remarks
I want it to be back to how it was
please
I can't stand the silence
it just hurt so bad
you were here for such a short time
yet it made such a huge impact
its making me feel so empty
you're making me drown x/

Tell me what to do.please.

Kiss me hard before you go
I just wanted you to know
that you're the best

I dont like how we are now
I hate it
Can't we go back to that day?
Go back to saturday
Go back to that journey we took together
Go way back
It seemed so long ago now
Even when its actually just a couple of months back

God it's killing me
Lord my heart is tearing to pieces
Please make it stop
Please make it so we're back to how we were

Are you that mad at me?
I was trying to surprise you
That is all
Are you that disgusted that I'm going to tag along
Do you hate me that much?

Ya Allah
Only You know how painful this is
Only You know how I regretted everything
Only You know how much it mattered to me what he thinks
Only You know how devastated I feel
Only You know how much this is killing me

Lord
I dont know what to do
I dont know how to act
I dont know what I should do
I want to cry so bad
Trying my best to hold it in

Ey Wai.

I care about you
I dont know when all this started
I'm not sure how
But I do know that you mean so much to me now

I didn't lie about me going
Its true I wasnt sure of going
So I said I wasnt.
Plus I'm still waiting for the money
I cant confirm that I'm going unless I'm sure dad approved

Remember that tweet I tweeted this morning?
I said "I love you dad"
He finally said yes
And only then I was able to confirm with sensei
It seems like he has already put my name on the list
I didnt know bout that

I'm sorry you have to find out like that
I have this whole surprise thing planned in my head
I wanted to surprise you
But I guess it backfired
It made you annoyed and more disgusted of me

I wish I could call you and explain and everything
But then I remembered
I guess to you,
We were never even really that close
I'm not sure whether you even bothered bout me at all

I wish you'd stop giving me the silent treatment
I wish I could tell you I missed you and your annoyingly cute but mean and rude remarks
I wish I could tell you that those small little things mattered the most
I wish I could just let you see
I wish you would notice that I feel so awful
I wish we didnt have to go through this.
I wish I could just say that i missed you.

Irony

coloured path.
yet the content of this blog is all grey
ironic.
this blog was meant for a cheery posts
was meant for a colourful journey
was meant to be different from the older one
but since i met you
all i had been posting is about you
all i had been writing
are those i wish i could've said to you
this once coloured blog
is all dull and grey
cause of missing you so much
and endless thoughts of what-ifs

At 4 am

I am just someone
you used to know
so well for so short
I opened up so much
you thought I was strong
you asked me not to leave
you asked to come again
you told me you're afraid
afraid I'll just be
like those you left behind
cause you know you can't keep up
with distances
when it comes to
those you care
I wonder
do you really care?
have you ever really cared?
just a friend
that I know
and that don't matter
but do you have to disappear?
I don't ask for much
can't you just stay?

Smoke

Why cant I stop missing you?
Why cant these images of you go away?
Why wont those fragments of memories stop replaying?
Why is it just so hard to get over you?
Why do I still dream of you?
Why do you have that much of an impact in my life?
Why am I still clinging onto something
that is now like a wisp of smoke?

Blunt Knives

Oh Lord.
This hollowness in my chest
This emptiness
This longing
It's killing me
My heart,
It's beating
Beating in a way
that I hope it just stops.
The more it beats
The more I feel the ache
The quicker it's pace
The more I feel as I am being stabbed
With the most blunt of knives
Slowly piercing in
Repeatedly cutting through

I've been here long before
I should be stronger
I should be immuned to this pain
But Lord why
Why do I have to go through this again

Lord
Forgive me
Is missing someone
A deathly sin?
If this is a sin
Then I am forever condemned

No one

No one else quite like you.
No one else compares to you

I miss you

What did you do to me?
Why cant I stop missing you so much?
Please make it stop wabbit.
Please x'/

Too late

Everything is all said and done.
Theres no turning back now.
Regret it all I want.
Cant change anything
x(

Stay or nay.

You've seen me at my worst. Now please decide if you want to stay. Cause I promise I'll make it worthwhile. I promise it'll be a fun ride

Fan of his.

I am just another fan.

Dream

In my dream
You were happy.
Happy to know how I feel
And that you really appreciate it,
You didn't mind saying it in public
But that was only a dream.

brief

Hmm..it doesn't matter if you dont feel the same.
Cause somehow I know you dont
This, whatever this is, i believe is just a phase.
I hope is just a phase.
So please dont feel that you are obliged to stay or pity this pathetic soul.
Im a tough girl :) a complicated one at that.
So I understand if anyone cant stand how I am.
But I hope if we ever cross each other in the future,
You wont be a stranger towards me :')
Thank you for an amazing time spent.
Thnkyou for walking in my life.
Even if it was brief.

Im sorry.but i cant help it

I miss it.
I miss the way you took my hand in yours..
I miss that adorable thing you do when you place the palm of my hand on the side of your face.
The quick beating of your heart
Missed the way you were unsure whether to put your arms around me.
Missed that cute blurred act you do when you dont know what you should be doing
I miss the way you gently nestled your nose against my head,..
The way you played with my hair
That warmth as you hugged me close
I miss the way your heart thumps as I rest my head against your chest.
Im sorry...
But I cant help but to miss every single little thing. x'/

In one

I know how it feels.
the confused, I-dont-know-what-this-is,
dont-know-what-to-do,
but I dont want to lose whatever this is, feeling.
cause I'm in one.

whatever This is

It's different.
He's different.
He's not like the others his age.
You'd be surprised at his words and the way he thinks.
Totally not his age.
Thoughtful, more mature.
He's hidden.
You wont know his true colour unless you're alone with him.
You wouldn't see the spoilt boy.
You wouldn't even know there's another side to this guy.
It's confusing.
He's confusing.
He may made this bold sweet move.
But then he'll act like no, nothing happened.
He'll make you feel like he's really into you.
But then he suddenly spaced out and forgets you're beside him.
He can be really cute and sweet.
But immediately spoils the mood by sending rude remarks -_-'
He has the sweetest smile you cant stay mad at him.
He has this annoyingly adorable attitude that whenever he's doing wrong or didnt quickly pick up the point, it just doesn't matter
He's actually really shy but he's a really great company.
He can easily adapt to a new environment or people around him.
At least thats what I observed.
But the most important is that
We just recently known each other
But its like compared to everyone that had known me all my life,  he's the only soul that is able to understand what I go through. What I'm going through.
No, maybe not understand,  but atleast he tries.
He knows that I dont need any advice or motivational words.
He knows that he just needs to stay there, and just listens.
He knows that all I need is someone to turn to with no judgements in what i did even if its wrong.
He made me feel like a little girl.
He made me feel like I can be one despite all the shit I'm in.
He made me feel that its okay to be spoilt sometimes.
He made me want to throw my cold strong front and just cry my eyes out. Just because I can and that its okay to do that.
He made me think better. Made me feel better.
He has this totally different interest than mine.
But then, it feels like that dont matter. Cause we clicked.
But then again, I dont really know how he feels bout whatever this is.
We're both broken.
We've both been through similar shits when it comes to the L word.
We're both unsure of ourselves.
No, we may not like the same thing and whtever, but there's still that tiny similarities.
No, dont ask me.i dont know what it is. You just feel it.
A good friend told me to not put my happiness on someone.
Im not.i hope im not.
Cause I dont know what this is.
And I'm not sure if I'm ready to find out.
All I know is that I really appreciate his presence in my life now.
All I know is that I dont want to lose whatever this is.

the other blog

i used to update my other blog.
not this one.
but then my girlfriend made me realize some things
and yes i guess its high time i store that blog and all its content up on an abandon attic with all the spider webs and such -.-
im not making any sense
i know =..=
im just randomly typing what comes to mind.
oh yes,back to the initial subject.
the other blog.
i need to stop.
i have to
i must
its history.
and i just realized that i am sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo over it
finally -.-
i realized that its stupid to still put up with someone who can never change.
worst.who never even want to change.
so yeah,.
i guess i'll just continue my nonsense scribblings here than ^-^
:*

just another boring story

here's a story.
just a boring same old story that im certain most girls went through at a certain point in her life.
lol.
but try to get to atleast the middle part of the story ya?

theres this girl.
true.
she's someone who fall fast in lo...ike.
she's someone who can have a crush on someone with just a glance. someone who she dont even know or the person doesn't even know that she existed.
despite all those nonsense things, she's a very loyal person.
good quality aight?
nope.
its a curse.
especially now that she have no one to be loyal to.
yeah sure,..there's a couple of guys i guess,..
but she just cant commit to them.
why?
cause she have had it bad. very bad.
so bad that all she want to do now is to get to know new people and dont care bout those who do care bout her.
why?
cause she doesn't believe in relationships anymore
why?
cause she had been loyal for more than 4 years and it got her nowhere.
now?
she've let go of a wonderful person cause he deserves better. much better than this broken soul.
so there she goes
living her single life after 5 years+ having someone to share her days with..to complain bout all the bullshit she went through,..
someone she can be spoilt with,.. cause if anyone who really knew her would know
she's not that kind of girl who leeches around guys seeking attention
she's not some girl who gets everything she wants
she's the girl who works her ass off if she wants something
she's a girl who'd been abandoned physically and emotionally since young
she's a hard-headed rough type of girl that would get things her way when she wants it that way
she's the girl who cant be easily fooled by some sweet compliments cause she's been hurt and put down so much in her entire life
she's that stone hearted girl that gives out her poker face whenever it comes to emotion related things especially with family and someone she really cared about
but those who really knew that complicated girl would know
she's just like the others
she's clingy
she needs attention
she longed to be loved
she wishes she didnt have to be so independent
she needed a shoulder to lean on
she longed to be spoilt by someone she loves and loved her back
that she's really an emotional-wreck but never shows that pathetic side of her
why?
cause she had been through so much pain and hurt and disappointments that she couldnt help herself but to be how she is
she acts like she knows it all
but really she dont
she acts tough
but she's really soft-hearted
she easily like someone and have immediate crushes =__=
but no, she can never show how she really feel
especially when she fell for the wrong guys
which is all the time -.-

here comes the fml story..

theres this guy with a great smile
no,she doesnt really took notice of him at first
but as they get to know each other
slowly she knew she was damned
this was going to be one of those short-lived quick crush.
she kept it to herself and act as she would normally.
but! there's this bad habit of hers
easily offended.but ONLY by those she really cared
which was really a turn off to guys x__x
especially to this particular guy
cause it doesnt makes sense cause she's just a friend to him
and he was taken and they were just chat buddies.
so when she suddenly snapped at the guy
(when he clearly was just making fun of her as usual)
he was pissed(cause he was tired) and left her
pffff. imagine how guilty she felt. lol
she was left with an emtpy hole
her 24/7 buddy was no more
do you ever feel that feeling when you were so used to something and that something suddenly disappeared?
yeah.that feeling.
so...lost.
so yeah, now she doesn't know what to do
she dont know what the right thing to do
i mean, would it even be necessary if she tried?
she's nothing.
she's no one important to the guy. right?
i mean even if she is,she wouldnt know it. he never did show any real signs
'real' that would have had her convinced that he's sincere or whatever.
no that cant be.
he got his friends and yeah,not forgetting his GIRLFRIEND.
pfff,..why would he care bout some silly girl old person.
ayte??

so yeah,she made a decision that she needed something to take her mind off of the guy.
that made her turn to her old world.
hardcore/metal,undergound music.
why? she didnt even think of this first,but then she remembered the guy was into these kind of music.
duuh =_= he's even a vocalist of this kind of band.
anyways,back to the point,the thing was that once upon a time,her one and only love introduced her to these songs and music.
and she quickly got used to them.quickly come to like them and was even comfortable with these music(at some point of her life.)
but she stopped listening to them when he walked out of her life without a single word.(another long boring story)
so she ended up listening to this deafening music once more.
repeating them 24 hours a day even sleeping whilst listening to them.
just to keep her from feeling empty and lost
and to keep her from missing those cute little fights,
the long nights with nonsense conversations,
the morning and night text (chats),
and the guy with the sweet smile who would easily made her mad and laugh at the same time with his arrogant-but-cute attitude.haaish  =oo=

gaah, this is all stupid people may say.
and yes, they are right
she's just lonely since she doesnt have anyone to spend her time with anymore.
thats it right? yes, that might be it.
but ,..
nevermind.it doesnt matter anyways.
she shouldnt bother and interrupt other people's life.
so yes, i'll try to tell her to stop this nonsense
and try to convince her that this is just one of her,..
quick crushes.
i mean, she'll get over it,.
she's a tough strong girl
she cant be blown just because of a guy.
i know deep down she's shaken up and a wreck
but she'll get over it
like she always does.

thats the end of it.
the purpose of this story you ask?
nothing.
just nonsense,time wasting blogging while listening to repeated list of underground not-so-hardcore songs,..
oh and to tell the guy that she was sorry.
daa~

Lost

Somehow now I am always feeling lost.
So lost that it felt like im drowing.
I dont know what to do
I cant find what Im searching for

Entertainment

I dont know what to do for entertainment here.damn.

the sweetest song

the sweetest song a guy can give :)

run

all your smiles im always gonna save it

just give me a reason..

just a lil bit is enough

a very fun song :)

x)